i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
