Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
