You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
