shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
