He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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