remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
