After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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