He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
