i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
