he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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