How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
