a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
