Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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