1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
FUCK WHALES
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
