Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
