Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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