Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
