Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
