Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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