Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
