Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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