I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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