Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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