how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
