alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
