Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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