At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The beer is more important than you right now.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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