There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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