Will you blow on my dice?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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