You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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