Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
