How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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