you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
