I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
