Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
