someone threw a dead crab at me
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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