He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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