I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
In America we eat man semen.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
