I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
do nipples grow back?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
