my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
