I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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