before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
