i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
