I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
