so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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