K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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