Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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