I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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