Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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