Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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