Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
