Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
