It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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