3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
