I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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