I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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