i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
