I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
