I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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