I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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