at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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