Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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